dKol on grief
May 3, 2023
It’s just shy of a year since my mom died. In January 2023 she went to the ER due to random bruising all over her body. She jokingly said she didn’t get into a fight to deserve the appearance of such. Two weeks after she was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. Four months later she became too weak and we lost her.
I have found an array of support along my journey but I recognized today that I have another space to grieve. I suppose I always knew The dKol la femme Project could be an outlet but it wasn’t until today that it felt like the right time to actually lean into the community that was built to share these exact life experiences.
I want to share our story, that of a mother and a daughter, however it’s been difficult to find a way that feels impactful and honors these relationships. I’ll speak more to why relationships is plural in a bit. The cycles of grief are very real and I wasn’t aware of the profound impacts it would have on me since the day we were told that treatment was not working. It most likely begun that night in the ER as fear has that uncanny ability to creep in almost immediately.
I really don’t feel I want to share all the details to her becoming sick and what the family had to endure and worse the intimate feelings of what she had been experiencing throughout those painful four months. Mostly because it’s too painful and sad. I had no clue what I would come to learn about cancer, treatment, trial drug studies and sadly even more so about death and dying. Her memorial service had a similar doom. How do we celebrate her life in her death? Do I write her a letter, do I continue to send her text messages, do I talk to her out loud? All the firsts without her, the way I found comfort with each month anniversary of her passing. For months I did not think I could find the answer because it just felt all too consuming and not enough.
How do I even begin to consider a way to honor the life of my mom?
In my grief work I have come to understand that she has been teaching me, even after her death, the importance of self-love, self-care, self-motivating, and self-empowerment to better help me on my journey to becoming the best version of myself. I recognize no matter how hard one tries to teach another that ultimately the biggest lesson is to find accountability to strengthen your own willpower to learn and to find ways to do these things for ourselves. I recognize that her love, her caring ways, her ability to encourage me and support me was some of her greatest gifts she gave. Grief leaves you wanting more though. I was in shock while she was in the hospital, I was numb to many other areas of my life. Anger can make you feel that no amount of time was enough. It can make you crave to feel all those things and more again. If you look at the bell curve of grief you can see my trajectory through it.
And then out of no where, it made me realize I was on the upswing because as “life returned some” I am noticing I am becoming more open to this new relationship and I’m adjusting to the void even though all the other aspects of grief still can and will interject at any given time. But the key realization, at least for me anyways, is that I am now moving into wanting to help others.
Maybe others may have expressed their journey with grief to me prior to my mom becoming sick. I’m sure I came across stories that others have shared about their experience with grief but I do not recall ever really hearing their urgency. And now, I’m trying to focus on the advocacy of it all, and to settle down the fear that others will have to feel this profound loss, and to find a way to better prepare myself that one day it will strike at me again. I am learning that with further educating myself about end of life that it can be a celebration of life. That dying does not have be stigmatized. The take away is that it can be better normalized as a way of life. Whether it’s spending time with the idea that we will all in fact end or that aging is inevitable for some of us, the end is always there we just don’t always get an approximation as with a cancer diagnosis. And not to forget to mention how gut wrenching and painful it is to witness someone who has been faced with a pretty sudden end date. And for others, the shock of not getting a heads up that the time was coming so soon.
On my healing journey I have come across a number of profound statements and my give back is to allow you all to have this for when and if you ever need this knowledge:
Losing a child and mother are known to be the hardest relationships to grieve.
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” -Jamie Anderson
“We are carried. In bellies. In arms. In love. In hope. In caskets. In urns. In grief. In memories. Our whole lives and into the next we are carried.” -Sara Rian
Free yourself and learn that we do not need to repress things. Don’t repress what is important to you or what grieves you.
Learning that in death a new relationship with those that have past begins.
Generational traumas and triggers can surface during the grieving process. Learning to commit to breaking unhealthy habits can be a life long goal. When we are caught off guard it’s not uncommon to revert back to old coping skills. Practice patience and offer yourself forgiveness.
You may feel pained by not having enough “last photos”.
You are not alone.
There are many additional support systems available, some you may connect with and others that you will not. Keep looking until you find the ones that feel right for you. I’m embracing this new relationship I have with mom. I find signs from her periodically. I believe they appear when she’s able to give them and when I’m open to receive them. The signs can be found in many ways and I invite you to ask boldly for your own. Mom shows up in a variety of ways for me. I’ve shared some memories and examples of how she finds her way to me in our new relationship.
If you have met mom you’ll know this doesn’t fully give the best picture of her vibrant personality and gift of love to us. And for those that have not met her, you can see glimpses of how she did those exact things.
I miss you mom, so freaking much.
xo-d
I want to thank Hudson Valley Hospice grief counseling services for helping me through this vulnerable time in my life and allowing me to get to this space to share. I have first hand been reminded why a team of support systems are needed to guide us in life.
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What is confidence and empowerment to you? What is VULNERABILITY, and how does it affect you? You, as in the generalized you, the one that isn’t gender specific, or defined by your struggle or labeled by medication. OR maybe you are and want to advocate so your story is heard (insert dKol la femme). At la femme you are allowed to free yourself of the need for perfection. Here you will evoke your self-confidence and take pause so you can reflect on your soul.
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