the dKol la femme project: curves are beautiful. unless they’re my own.
Curves Are Beautiful. Unless They’re My Own.
“Self-abuse, depression, bulimia... check.” – Melissa Sebeth; 35 | Survivor
Melissa’s story starts as early as 11 years old. For many reading this, you may feel like “Man, 11? That’s just a child”, and maybe it is, or maybe it’s not. To Melissa, she didn’t feel like a child, or maybe she didn’t know how she felt. But, what she did know is that the weight of these burdens felt too heavy for a “child” to carry.
Self-hate can come in many forms and in varying severities. For Melissa, this hate was severe enough to trigger harm at her own hands.
“I cut myself for the first time when I was 11,” Melissa shared. She struggled to see the beauty within herself and to find enough self-love to bury the pain – even if it was just a little bit. She always found curves on women to be beautiful, yet when she looked in the mirror and saw her beautiful curves, she felt disgust. Why, she wondered, were curves beautiful unless they were reflecting back at her?
Several years later, at the age of 16, Melissa again decided to take matters into her own hands to fix what she thought was broken, in a new way. She battled with eating disorders in various forms for many years. “I was 99 lbs and 5’4” when it started,” she said, “The need for control, perfection, and approval… I let it all come from external energy and couldn’t find the faith in my own.”
During her years of battling with eating disorders, Melissa found herself in a place of being healthy again for a few years, but unfortunately relapsed when her place of work ran a “biggest loser” challenge. Isn’t it interesting how something so innocent can so severely trigger and affect someone? What was a harmless “friendly” challenge sent Melissa into a familiar downward spiral, with no light in sight.
Think about this… I mean really think about this. Think about it now, think about it when you go to make an innocent “joke,” think about it before you act. You know that saying “suicide is selfish”, well, let’s file that line in the “think before you speak” jar and keep it there forever.
Here’s what Melissa had to say about this common… yea that’s right it’s common (really?), saying that so thoughtlessly passes through so many lips.
“The whole ‘suicide is selfish’ idea drives me crazy because it was the most selfless thought I could come up with at the time.”
Go back and read that again. Let it sink in, and let it solidify that your think-before-you-speak jar should remain locked.
What’s worse, is Melissa actually feels as judged for having suffered with an eating disorder as she did (does) for not having a perfect body. So, the pressure of an imperfect body drove her to these severe measures to deal with the pressure and her solution is now also judged as heavy, if not heavier, significantly adding to the pressure; this negative stigma around having an eating disorder. When does the pressure end? I mean really?
Instead of demonstrating sympathy, and wanting to help, so many people judge and turn their noses to this idea of self-hate and self-harm. But, don’t we all exercise self-hate in some way, shape or form. I mean, even the most confident person doubts themselves from time to time and has their weaknesses.
Compassion. This word can change the world. Instead of judgement, choose compassion and watch the world around you transform.
Melissa’s greatest turning point and journey to regaining her health was the day her husband proposed to her. At that moment, Melissa realized that he deserved her best. Today, she now realizes that SHE too deserves her best; and that her body deserves to be respected, loved, and celebrated.
“Strong is beautiful,” is the mantra Melissa now lives by and truly believes. Through yoga, Melissa was able to find her place in this sometimes-dark world, and find a time to practice self-love – in her own way. “The mat was just always there,” she said, “Whether you are trying something crazy and falling on your head, or if you’re playing it safe that day, it’s going to catch you. It’s just going to be there. It was just one of those things that I knew I could keep going back to and it would never go away."
It was when she realized that she “was good enough to live this life and be healthy and free of those demons,” that her liberation came.
While Melissa finds herself in a much healthier space today, no day is easy, still. This doubt comes to light with each glimpse in the mirror. The best way to describe how she feels when she views her body changes, is “torn.” This is her body, and she struggles with the fact that no matter its strength and all it has endured, and all it has survived, it’s still not perfect. And this desire for perfection brings an undecided conclusion. Melissa often wonders if she can ever “silence the voices in her that critique, compare, judge, and doubt.” But, what she does know, is that she’s learned to lower their volume and live her best life.
Melissa’s main objective for sharing her story, is to help others that may be struggling in their own ways, or in similar ways to herself by letting them know that WE ARE NOT ALONE. Understand, be compassionate, replace judgement with sympathy, and lift each other up. Who knows, you may exercise a positive action (tiny to you) that saves someone’s life.
What you do matters. How you treat people matters. On this nearly impossible journey of life, let’s find strength in each other; comfort, support, and love.
Pressure; we feel it so strongly every single day, at each and every corner we turn. But, you choose your actions, and thus how these actions affect others. You have a choice; will you choose to be someone’s added pressure, or will you demonstrate a bit of compassion and provide relief?
Xo-Kay
The dkol la femme Project is a platform created to give a voice to you and your unique struggles by telling your story through art. la femme is where vulnerability meets liberation. What is confidence and empowerment to you? What is VULNERABILITY, and how does it affect you? You, as in the generalized you, the one that isn’t gender specific, or defined by your struggle or labeled by medication. OR maybe you are and want to advocate so your story is heard (insert dKol la femme). At la femme you are allowed to free yourself of the need for perfection. Here you will evoke your self-confidence and take pause so you can reflect on your soul.
Be heard through #thedkollafemmeproject
