When life becomes a task…

Check; done

Check; done

Check; done

Check; done

Check; done

To-do lists are great, right? They keep you organized and there is satisfaction in checking tasks (whether mentally or physically pen to paper) off once completed.

What’s not so great? When non-task elements are treated in the same systematic way.

Let’s highlight the word tasks. Tasks – noun: a piece of work to be done or undertaken.

A piece of work… 

Today, I had an “ah ha” moment where I realized; I’ve turned every single aspect of daily functionality into a task on my to-do list of life. I am consumed with the idea of organizing and formulating the next task that needs to be complete.

I am essentially asking myself daily; what’s next on the agenda of life? Agenda – noun: a list of items to be discussed at a formal meeting. A FORMAL MEETING? Has my life become a job that requires drawn out, formal meetings that could have been an email? I realized that when life becomes a task, something has to be wrong, and something needs to be shifted. The problem is, is I do not know what needs shifting or how to rewire who I am.  

But what I have discovered, is that there is great toxicity behind this task creating and task completing mindset.

Burn out – I feel burned out almost all the time. Even when I am “relaxing” I am exhausted. Why? That doesn’t make sense, right? Well, because I am not truly relaxing. I am thinking about the next task to be completed on my life to-do list and then I am thinking about how I could be getting that item done instead of “relaxing”.  

I find weakness in “time off” – I feel extremely lazy and worthless when I am not completing tasks or getting things done. In fact, the rare moments where I find myself “done” with my life list for the day cause me to go back and reevaluate if I missed anything - as if I cannot believe that I am allowed an opportunity to just be. Do I find affirmation in myself through ability to get things done? 

Becoming the prey – There are so many individuals in life that prey on us “checklisters”. The more you take on, the more you put on your plate, and the more you say yes, the longer that list gets. But now, this list has other people’s lists on it too. As if mine wasn’t long or burdening enough. So, is learning how to say no the first step in shifting my life? 

The need to take on others’ “crap” – My list bares the burdens of all those around me, emotionally and in the sense of physically taking on task of others. Circle back to #3 – “I can handle it so I’ll just do it” “I am emotionally strong enough to take that on so they don’t have to” – It’s like I’d rather figure out how to bear it than to watch them have to.

While the list goes on (ha look at me making a list again), the most toxic realization of all, is that I have truly forgotten how to LIVE. When life becomes a checklist, you are not living. I am not living, but instead I am just completing tasks. I find myself feeling bitter that I have so much to do and that life is some overwhelming sometimes, but am I doing this to myself? Think about it, a task item on a list is meant to be completed. To-do lists are inherently created to be completed, and when they aren’t completed it feels like a burden. If everything I do from using the toilet, to going to sleep at night is a task item on a list, I will never not feel burdened with incompleteness. It’s like I am on a race of “check … check… check” to my life’s finish line. I am literally checking my life away. 

I ask myself, what is the prize or moment of accomplishment at the end of the to-do list if I am missing the invaluable moments along the way? Or even worse, if I am turning the things I love into a chore?  

I find myself being envious time and time again of those that are “spontaneous”. I always thought it was because they are seen as laid back, cool, and even-keeled. But, maybe it is because I am envious that they do not understand or have to bear the weight of the shackles of a task oriented personality. What does it feel like to say things like “eh it’ll get done” or to fully 100% enjoy a present moment that you’re in without thinking about anything else? I know “the grass is always greener” but I imagine the spontaneous life is much more rewarding. My obsessive personality has its benefits, but benefits to who? Does it serve ME to check my life away? I’ve always believed that “life it too short” yet I continue to make life mundane and live it safely.

I am left wondering, how freeing would it be to keep tasks as tasks, and to leave life for the living, instead of for the completing? Can I detour the race path, and just end it without completion? The real question is, what changes can I make to be OK with this detour? Maybe by figuring out how to ungroup daily activities from a task list, I can find a way to rid myself of the anxiety that comes with the unfinished.

- Kay