Happy by P!nk
Dammit, these lyrics make me really angry at myself. They’re honestly carved into my being and I have been stuck here for so freaking long that I feel the line “I don’t wanna to be this way forever” so damn much.
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Today, I had an “ah ha” moment where I realized; I’ve turned every single aspect of daily functionality into a task on my to-do list of life. I am consumed with the idea of organizing and formulating the next task that needs to be complete.
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Here I go, unveiling my story, god this makes me feel extremely vulnerable and anxious.
How did I get here?
For as long as I can remember, I need to find a reason for everything. I’m seeking insight, accountability, I want growth.
Life changed drastically for me in 2013. What I now know as depression and anxiety, words that were not on my radar during that first deep dark bout with depression. I didn’t understand what anxiety meant. What felt like endless weeks that eventually turned into months of feeling depleted of any positivity or happiness…
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It's like this constant pit in my stomach. It keeps turning ever so slightly, uneasy, and nauseating. It feels like it only takes the brush of a light breeze to send it whirling into full spiral mode. Grasping for anything that feels stable - anything that feels real in the world of make believe the mind creates.
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I can remember writing this journal page vividly. My hope was if I could see the patterns of the spiraling down, I could grab ahold of the signs and triggers of the isolation I was feeling. It took a long while before I could begin creating a plan to dig myself out of the recycled patterns of the darkness I was living in.
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The mirror has always been my biggest enemy. I have always looked at it with disgust, picking every flaw apart, overanalyzing, and wishing to be something I wasn’t. Wishing I would see a different reflection, wishing my legs were smaller, or my stomach was flatter, that I was a little shorter and much skinner. Never did I look in the mirror and see the good. Everything that I ate that wasn’t within my normal healthy regimen made me feel fat and regretful, immediately. How exhausting and sad is that? I’ll tell you, the answer is very, it’s all consuming actually.