Pregnant During A Pandemic

I am pregnant.

25 weeks. 

I am also a planner. I cannot tell you how many things I ‘planned out’ in my head or turmoiled with before committing to trying to get pregnant. I know what you are thinking “you can’t plan for kids” “you’ll never be fully ready” “once you have the baby all plans go out the window”. I get that - I do. I’ve heard all of it many times, and I took it in, tried to relieve myself of the incessant need to plan and one day it hit me that this was the time. I was ready. 

So many things in our lives had felt like they had fallen into place, and while the thought of having a child still terrified me, I felt ‘ready’. Or as ready as I ever would be. 

Fast forward to now. Getting pregnant was easy for us, our pregnancy so far has been fantastic and I am so, so blessed and grateful to be welcoming a baby boy into the world in July… Let’s please remember this paragraph as I progress that YES I am grateful beyond words and YES I am so lucky. But, right now, I am terrified.

PANDEMIC 

A PANDEMIC? 

Really? I mean they say when you make plans the universe laughs, but a pandemic? I mean, come on.

Anxiety has been something I have struggled with my entire life. In recent years it’s gotten worse. Most days it’s very manageable .. aside from the darker days. But right now, all I feel is anxiety. It is rushing back like a wave in the middle of an ocean during a tornado and I am the little lifebuoy that doesn’t stand a chance. 

This time is extremely stressful and scary for everyone (especially those who work on the front line who I THANK endlessly everyday).

But, I am pregnant. 

Let me break it down -

Will the hospitals be functioning “normally” come my due date?

What happens if something happens right now and I need to go to a hospital?

Will I have to go to the rest of my appointments alone?

Will my husband be allowed to be present for the birth of his son?

Will my family be able to meet my son before he’s a toddler?

Will I be able to support my family after such hard financial times? 

Will anything about this birth be as I expected or planned? 

Will I remain in isolation even during the scariest and most challenging time of my life?

Will I get through this?

How will this impact my husband?

How will this impact my son?

How will this impact me and my abilities to mother?

Will conditions be dangerous when he is born?

Will he be and stay healthy?

That’s a little glimpse into my mind right now, daily. And on top of that, I have other things that have lead to moments of depression - like my baby shower likely being cancelled, not being able to enjoy the last few months of my pregnancy, etc. And what’s worse - is these thoughts then make me feel guilty. I am healthy, my family is healthy, do I deserve to even have these thoughts? Maybe I don’t, but this is my first child and I feel angry, sad and it feels unfair. Some of you may be reading this and thinking unfair is falling ill to the virus, losing life and or the life of a family member. I get that - because I battle with these thoughts towards myself too. “How dare I complain when I am at home safe.”

But, this too is hard. It’s really hard. Try to understand the fear and feelings of a woman who is pregnant who’s planned for this and has had a vision of what to expect her whole life.. and now she is uncertain if her husband can even be present during the birth.

I’ve spent a lot of time talking about me, but what about him? The supportive husband who is always there, anxiously awaiting each appointment, lighting up when he hears the heartbeat, working around his crazy schedule to make sure he can be there - every time. And now, now he’s being told he can’t be. Not because he doesn’t want to… because it’s mandated and he has no say. Just like that. He has the chance of missing the birth of his first child, his first son. Even saying that out loud breaks my heart into a million pieces. How could this be? How is this happening?

These are the thoughts that swarm my mind day in and day out. I try to cling onto the hope of things turning around, the hope for a cure. But each day, it feels like we know less. Not knowing when this will all end cuts a hole in me deeper than I can even put into words. I feel lost, I feel confused, I feel scared, I feel broken, I feel disappointed, at times I feel like a victim, and then I feel guilty for feeling this way. 

Each day I wake up saying that I will take it one day at a time, but I am not sure others realize just how painfully impossible that is for someone with anxiety. Someone like me. For reference; I don’t even like going out to dinner if it wasn’t planned for at least 24 hours in advance. I am not spontaneous. I am not “go-with-the-flow” I am not a “what ever happens happens” person.

I crave routine, I crave security, I fear change, I fear the unknown, I fear not having control. This pandemic is all of my triggers embodied into one dark mass. 

Each day I fight to stay calm, each day I fight to see the light, and to keep positive energy around this beautiful growing life that I love so much already. But I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I am holding on the the buoy and every time I poke my head above water to breathe, another wave comes crashing on top of me. I am tumbling into the deep, dark, empty ocean alone and the light is growing smaller.

The storm will pass, as it always does, but will it last too long for the life to be saved? 

I’ve been a strong believer in this saying “we always get there, it’s just never an easy ride.” I try everyday to remember that and focus on that - but I can’t lie and say that I don’t sometimes say “why can’t it just be an easy ride, just once?” This is where I feel like a victim… and then I hate myself for feeling this way.

These thoughts can get dark, they are scary and they are endless. The rabbit holes are so deep that there are days where I can’t get out. 

As we weather this storm together, let’s remember that there are many more battles to be fought here than the virus. The memes of “you’re being asked to stay home on a couch” are all fun and games, but it just adds to the guilt that people like me already feel about not being ok sitting at home in isolation with out thoughts.

Don’t forget that there are so many battles to be fought during this time, and always - and not all of these battles can be seen.

It may feel like reassurance is all you can offer to those struggling with these invisible battles, but sometimes we just need to know that we are heard, and that we are not alone. In a time of isolation where being alone is what we are forced to do, let’s be #alonetogether.

xo Kay